Could it really be possible that the problems I am experiencing currently in my marriage today didn’t start in my marriage?

Answer: YES!! There are childhood hurts and wounds that lie beneath our marital irritations, distresses and frustrations.

A heritage has been handed down to us by our parents and it unfortunately includes the negative childhood injuries. Most of us had some very bad
parental experiences which were pretty hurtful and harmful. Such
experiences are left imprinted (as “love styles”) and imparted into us
and they disadvantage and hinder our marriage relationship.

There are five love styles that can affect your marriage – –

  1. The avoider,
  2. The pleaser,
  3. The vacillator,
  4. The controller and the victim.
  5. The secure connector

The aim of this article is not to pass our marital failures to our parents and blame them but it is to expose the truth and the good news: your marital problems don’t necessarily start in your marriage.

Lets examine the love styles and how they affect your marriage:

The Avoider

It is possible that your spouse could be brought up in a performance based
home that encouraged independence and discouraged the expression of
feelings or personal concerns and needs. A spouse who grew up in this set up may often not be aware of his/her own feelings, nor want to discuss personal concerns. Such a spouse is likely to resist their
partner emotionally and not frequently ask you for support and they will not really miss you or their family when away because they grew up saying to themselves: “I need space”.

The Pleaser

This spouse grew up having to be a good kid with good moods and please his
parents or siblings as a result of growing up with a sibling with special needs or a worried parent. They grew up appeasing a troubled
parent and will totally avoid conflict, rejection and seek to connect with others by meeting that person’s needs. As an adult, the spouse
would then avoid sharing personal views or feelings and thus are less truthful.


Do not discourage them (Col 3:21) and do support and provide for them (1Tim5:8)

DrK Mashishi

The Vacillator

These are children of parents who give them attention sometimes. They are often given attention as often as they are rejected. As adults they react when not given attention by their spouses. They feel abandoned, rejected or not understood when the spouse is busy or distracted. They would often pick a fight and knot know why and make others to be extra careful around them.


So where to from here then?

But I must explain to you how all this mistaken idea of denouncing pleasure and praising pain was born and I will give you a complete account of the system, and expound the actual teachings of the great explorer of the truth, the master-builder of human happiness. annoying consequences, or one who avoids a pain that produces .

Nor again is there anyone who loves or pursues or desires to obtain pain of itself, because it is pain, but because occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure. To take a trivial example, which of us ever undertakes laborious physical exercise, except to obtain some advantage from it? But who has any right to find fault with a man who chooses to enjoy a pleasure that has no annoying consequences, or one who avoids a pain that produces no resultant pleasure